This just in: bear sighting at Paramus Catholic High School in NJ. It was a pretty good lookin’ bear, so far as bears go. Apparently he was just hanging out looking for some food. 9th graders, to be exact. No reports of injuries yet. All outdoor classes have been canceled.

Man, why doesn’t this crap happen at the law school? The best we get is a hungry law student around noon. Not even close to a bear. And certainly not enough to cancel classes.

In other terrifying news, Sam’s Club is limiting the amount of rice people can buy. NOOO!!! DANGER DANGER! This is the worst news ever. Ever.